Some Smiles Again

It has been some time since we have seen smiles on Jan's face, but I am happy to tell you that yesterday she was doing quite well. She had smiles for everybody, even some that she doesn't care for. She laughed and was cutting up with the staff of caregivers and myself.
I have decided that I am a distraction for her when she is eating so I am only present briefly. Too many things at the table distract her and she stops eating. Sometimes she eats well and sometimes she doesn't. Last night she was still hungry so I went to Arbys and got her a little something and she ate every bite. Which reminds me, if your going to come during a meal, let me know and I can get lunch or dinner for all of us and we can have a room just for us, it would be a great treat for Jan, but remember she gets distracted easily. Happy New Year...

When Visiting

I thought it was best to say something about visiting, or more than what I have previously. When visiting with Jan, asking her questions can sometimes frustrate her so careful with asking a bunch of questions. Does she look good, her place is pretty, you have so many friends, or say something about your kids, or family. Say that you saw the Christmas party pictures, or that it's sweet that Christi comes to her to cut her hair. These are just some of the things that works best. I have made these mistakes and had to change quickly before frustrating her.
Jan has almost lost the ability to communicate except for verbiage that comes out of her mouth and you can't understand it, but she doesn't know that, so I say yea, okay, whatever you say, really. Asking her to repeat it is futile, short term memory is gone. Jan cannot open her door to her room, or understand closing the door. She does understand smiles, hugs and compliments. I continue to hear her say thank you to her caregivers, who seem to just love her.
Hope to see you soon

Merry Christmas

I couldn't let Jan spend the night or the day by herself, so I spent the night with her on Christmas eve. We had been tracking her sleep patterns and behavior for some time to try and get a picture of just what is happening. I wanted to see a report for at least 10 days in a row. She is sleeping some, 8:00- 3:00a.m. and then she is up and going, walking as she does. We have been able to take her off of some of the medicine that we were giving her for anger and we hope we can make that permanent, not sure right now.
I would also say that visits are welcomed by anyone. She has had some and seems to enjoy them greatly, so anyone who wants to visit come on down, but come with no expectations and just be glad to see everyone, because you just might see everyone in the building. I hope some of you will visit soon.
Merry Christmas to all of you and thank you so much for your prayers.

Pictures of Christams Party

We need some balance

Things just seem to stay out of balance. Some nights she seems to rest and other nights she is having many difficult problems. Today she had a visit from our friend Kay Hunt who is the lady that would stay with her for 8 hours at time and give me a day off. Kay was with us for over a year and when I went to see Jan she was excited to tell me about Kay.
Autumn Leaves had our Christmas Party on Thursday night and there was a great turnout. We had our entire family, 11 of our family were there and the place was full. Good food, good entertainment, and it wound up being a fun evening. Jan was in very good form as she was joking and laughing and talking very good. I think the grandchildren had her motivated and excited.

Bumps in the road

I guess we should expect some disappointment during this whole process. You wish and pray for the best, but life is not easy and this is a hugh transition. Well, not all is as good as I was hoping. Jan is showing to be more stimulated at Autumn Leaves, however, she is declining. In one week she shows signs of beginning to stoop forward in a strange manner. She has fallen or bruised her calf somehow and seems to have a new twitch in her left arm. She also seems to be having more delusions than at previous times. We did discover that she has a urinary trac infection which means her meds were not doing what they should be doing. With antibiotics started her meds should begin to work better for her. This is my prayer.
Thursday night she up all night, and for the most part she had been resting somewhat. Now she's up again. Today when I went to see her, she looked worn out. After breakfast I got her to lay down and she did sleep for about 1.5 hours.

Autumn Leaves of Fossil Creek

I really wanted to relay some good news to those who read this blog and I praise God for granting the good things that have happened over the last few days. Too all of those who have been praying I want to thank you and let you know that things have gone much better than I could have imagined. Finding the right place was a God thing. God closed doors and he opened doors. He walked with us as we took Jan to the location and he was with us during this entire process. It was very difficult for all of us, but it was necessary and God made that decision obvious. This is Monday and last night I left her at 8:00 as she was getting sleepy. She was very calm, allowed me to hug and kiss on her, which she has not allowed for I don't know how long. No anger and as I was about to leave she raised up out of bed and told me to be careful while smiling. Obviously, this was a good visit and I could go home without feeling anxiety. She still can't communicate and that seems to be getting worse, and she does seems to be hallucinating more as she seems things in the carpet. She does know who I am and is always eager to see me and I praise God for all that he is doing and will contiinue to do.

Maybe the window is closed?

God does answer prayers when he chooses to answer them. My prayer has been to ask god to show me when the right time would be to make those hard decisions. It all came down to what is best for Jan. Was it best that she be with me, or was it better for her to be where she could be cared for by professionals. Maybe I was too stubborn to see it, but I thought it was best she be at home with me in her surroundings. Maybe I was stubborn, or maybe I just did not want to face the fact that I was about to be alone and without my wife of 44 years as of November 25th. I can't second guess my decisions, nor can I not be more certain that it is time to get professional help. I decided to include my children in the process because I did not want to do it alone, nor did I think that they needed to be excluded from the process. From the beginning I probably sheltered them from fully understanding everything that has been happening. This past Monday night we ate an early Thanksgiving meal together and they witnessed, in full view, in person, what it has been like these past few months. They are now fully engaged in helping the process and I couldn't be more proud. There is lots of pain in our mission, but it is necessary and it is clear what must be done for Jan. Your prayers are solicited. Thank you.

Remember things change quickly!

My how things can change. We had a few good nights with the sleeping pills working, but it didn't last. It does cause her to become droggy, but does not keep her asleep. The pill is the generic for Ambient(sp). What has changed is with the time change and the progression of the disease she is now suffering from the sundowner problems. About 7:30 pm, she begins to wander throughout the house, sometimes rapidly, sometimes slowly. As the evening progresses she begins to have hallucinations. She will say things to me like, "I know what your doing", along with a look that could kill. I am generally just watching the TV. I offer to help her get dressed for bed, and to help her take evening pills and all of this gets done with quite a bit of teeth gritting, fist pounding and anger expressed. She has faller on at least two occasions at night, just bruises now. She has been up and down almost every night, sometimes getting into bed to stay for no length of time at all and right back up. This starts at bedtime and will continue most of the night. I do have a gate at her door so she does not wander the house. She will come to the gate, look for me and then back to the Bathroom or her bed. I know it sounds crazy, it is crazy. Last night I just ignored her standing at the gate. During all of this she makes no sense at all, totally out of it. Hard to deal with. I have to make some different decisions soon.

Update on sleeping

I thought I would just give you an update on the problems she has been having sleeping. The sleeping pills seem to be doing the job. We have had two good nights of sleep. Also, it does not seem to be bothering her stomach. Praise God for this as it was putting pressure on the entire situation.
I also got a call from a longtime friend who called to ask me a bunch of questions about what is happening with Jan and my role as caretaker. We are such good friends that he was able to speak very frankly about our situation. One of the things he ask me was, what happens to her if something happens to you? Good question. He suggested that I should get her use to a place by allowing her to stay briefly. Say, let her stay 8 hours, giving her a chance to get more comfortable with the surroundings, and thus reducing her fear and anxiety. I thought that was a good idea both for her and for me. Later, I could allow her to spend the night, and so forth, you probably get the idea. This sounds like a practical way to get her more prepared.

Two New situations

I have waited to see if things continued before I posted and they have. Now Jan has started walking throughout the house. Pacing for no reason, but just lapping the inside of the house. The dogs have figured out that she is not going anywhere, so they don't follow her anymore. She doesn't do it all the time, alot in the morning when she first gets up. In conjunction with this situation she now has a sleeping problem. She will go to bed about 9 and then she is up again about 11, and then we try to get her back to sleep and she commences to get up again and again. This past week is has been that we got up at 3:30 a.m. and she walked and we stayed up. I dowsed in my chair and she would walk and crawl back into the bed for a while then she is back up walking. I did get some prescription sleeping pills for her and last night she got up about 11 and she fell. Bruised her hip, but she was completely out of it because of the sleeping pill. I hope that this does not continue and that we can get some sleep. Of course, when the patient is up the nurse has to get up as well. I put a gate up across her door so that she can't get into the house from her bedroom without me knowing it. I am right across the hall from her and I hear her when she starts to get out of bed. I pray that this stops. It's hard.

February Decision

Many of you have been to homes that take care of patients with Dementia and you know that it can be an awful feeling thinking that your loved one will be in one of these someday. I spent several hours last Friday touring a facility and visiting with the staff. I was pretty good until we went on the tour. It is one of the saddest places to visit. I applaud those who work in such facilities.
It has been on my mind lately, but after last Friday I have decided not to think about it, or worry about it for now. It's not the right time. I will look at the situation again in February, but not now. This will give me time to continue looking at facilities for the future. Thanks to all of you who have encouraged me to begin the process.
Jan's condition is about the same and the only problem that may be raising it's head is her willingness to accept instructions. Sometimes you have to remind her to do certain things and now she seems more willing to have a confrontation. Which if that grows or gets worse, I can't handle that. She has almost no gray hair and if you have been to a facility you know everyone in there has gray hair.

It can drive you crazy!

One day he post how bad the symptoms were becoming and the next day I'm telling you about her joking around and having fun. So what is happening? Well here is your answer...............I don't have the foggiest idea how or why this happens, it just happens. Moments like these make me question some of my former thoughts. It certainly confuses many issues concerning what is happening, and where we thought things were going. If it seems like a confused person is doing these postings, well you may just be right. I can't answer it.

It goes and it comes.

Some days just seem impossible. And then when you think that she is totally out of it, in pops a comment from Jan that is just so funny it's hard to believe. My brother and his wife were visiting today and we were just talking and talking. Jan was her usual quiet self, not appearing to be in the conversation at all and then she surprises you. We were talking about things that we have lost and I was saying that I don't know what happened to my high school letter jacket, cause I really wish I had it. My brother was saying that he didn't have it, and in pops Jan's comments.
She said with the right tone, "Now what girl do you think he gave that too?" We all got such a big laugh out of it, they were both bragging and agreeing with Jan as she was trying to give me a hard time. We were all laughing out loud and saying way to go Jan. It was the first words she had spoken all day. Very funny.

Her Condition

Anyone would like to report that she is improving and making progress. Well, I can't report that. She continues to lose in this battle to just maintain some kind of good things in her life. In addition to a worsening of symptoms a new one has begun to show itself. She typically goes to bed sometime around 9:00 p.m. Well now she will got to bed and then she is up two hours later. Get her back to bed and she is up again for no reason, just up. There have been a few nights when sleep was hard to get. She also has begun to walk around the house, just walk, not needing anything or going anywhere, she just feels compelled to just walk. The dogs have finally caught on that she is not going anywhere.
She had a great Friday night a couple weeks ago. Two of her friends came and stayed with her while I went to a Ranger game with a friend. These folks talk alot and laugh alot, so she was really stimulated for several days, to say the least. She got to have some fun and really enjoyed herself and I really appreciate their effort.

What you might not know about her!

I'm not sure many of you know the full story about Jan. It seems that all the talk has been about my football playing days. I wanted to share more things about her because some of her accomplishments are more than remarkable. This new picture was taken I think sometime during her junior year, 1965. This is the picture that I kept in my dorm room at Tech to remind me that I was engaged. You can see why I went home every chance I got. Additionally, I think that Jan was the first and maybe the only girl from WF that was chosen class beauty for 4 years in a row. I say this because the 9th grade was in high school when we opened Hirschi High School and she was a freshmen beauty as chosen by her classmates. She was a cheerleader her senior year, president of the thespian club, gym leader and she won what was called "The Loyalty Award", and it was the first of it's kind between all schools in WF. The classmates at Hirschi outvoted the other candidates from the other schools and Hirschi was the smallest school. In her senior year the school had a sweetheart contest and guess who was the winner of that? None other than Jan and I came home to escort her to this banquet, and of course this was another first for anyone from Hirschi. One of a kind.

Attitude

Victor Frankl a survivor of Nazi concentration camp says, "The last of the human freedoms is to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances." If you just think about it, this is so true. I first heard of Victor years ago working with Taco Bueno and this past month I was struggling with my attitude and I just happened to run across this little book about Victor. It certainly helped me get through some days this month. I never thought that Jan could become the abuser, but I guess if she doesn't understand what she is doing and remains in a state of confusion for most of the day, I can understand and not be a reactive person. It really makes you appreciate people that work diligently everyday in nursing homes, and assisted living centers. I pray that we will only find such people wherever we relocate in the future. I know that there are others who are not so compassionate and I don't want to work with them. I don't know what the future holds and neither does the doctor. Everyone is so different. All I know is that I don't have the training to handle this type of environment and the pressure is building to seek more professional help.

August 6, 2010

Just wanted to give you an update on Jan's condition. It has not been such a bad week, her alertness is fading earlier and earlier, but thank goodness she has not had the type of day as she had earlier in the month. She has had some people visit this week and I think that may have given her more stimulation. Today I was off for a few hours so I went to visit a adult living community in North Richland Hills. It was very nice, complete with lots of amenities and very expensive. Oh well, it may not be what we are headed for anyway. I hope all of you are having a good month. Please pray for those families that have lost children that I mentioned earlier

August 1st post

It's been a while and for those of you checking I told you that I would try posting each month unless something tragic happened. Well, nothing tragic, just earth shattering. Some of our friends lost a newborn grand baby, so very tragic. Another Friend of mine, one from high school had a son take a trip to Mexico and died. He was the youngest son and I can't imagine. So, much has happened.
Jan has also had and interesting month. I am sorry to report that Sunday night was probably the worst day that we have had. My hope is that it doesn't continue. Sunday, late afternoon the window closed for Jan. She became very confused, suspicious and angry. I couldn't do anything right and she didn't want any of my help. She of course struggled to communicate, failing for the most part to do or say anything that made sense. Nothing worked, humor, reasoning, simple kindness. The food I prepared was not adequate and she needed no help eating, although she didn't eat. I was struggling to try to understand, but never did. For the first time, my thoughts began to question if someone else, or some place might be able to help her better than I could. I have resisted these thoughts because of the promise I made to Jan. I was surprised I had the thoughts, but the situation made me realize that in many ways I am limited as to what I can do to help Jan. Her attitude of continuous unhappiness is of great concern to me.

Hello Again

Well after taking off for a few weeks I felt like I needed to get back to blogging. Nothing really new to report. The situation with Jan has pretty much stayed about the same as last month. Verbal communication, language skills are becoming all but lost. She has also become more fatigued during the day, sleeping and napping in the chair, taking more naps. I wish I could say that she knows what is going on but I can't, she is still real sensitive to things that happen to her.
What's it like======= Jan needs full time care. She has difficulty getting into the bed if that gives you any indication as to her needs. By difficulty I mean that she can get on the bed but she might struggle to get under the covers or to lay the right way, she might lay across the bed. She cannot assist me with anything. She still tries at times, but it just creates more confusion and frustration within her. She still has her pride and she is still the Jan that I love, the mother of my children and the grandmother of 5 wonderful grandchildren. Her days are a struggle and I will do everything I can to lessen that struggle as Long as I can.

.Posting

Sorry for not being more consistent on posting. I guess the doubts have taken their toll on being able to do this consistently and to even try to do it at all. I think what I will do is try hard to post during the first week of each month. If we have a crisis or something like that I may do it more frequently. Right now I am out of words, so to speak.
If you did not read it earlier, I'm going to repeat it here. Not a poem, I guess you would call it prose. Either way, it strikes me dead center. Here it is.

Do not ask me to remember
Don't try to make me understand
Let me rest and know you're with me
Kiss my cheek and hold my hand
I'm confused beyond your concept
I am sad and sick and lost
All I know is that I need you
Do not lose your patients with me
Do not scold or curse or cry
I can't help the way I'm acting
Can't be different though I try
Just remember that I need you
That the best of me is gone
Please don't fail to stand beside me,
Love me 'til life is done.

Good Week for Jan

This past week we made the trip to Lawton, and had doctors appointments for Jan and she really had a pretty good week. It really hurts when you begin to see signs of things getting worse. Her case is different from all others I guess. She gets around pretty good, looks very normal sometimes. However I can't name one thing except drinking, swallowing and walking that she is able to do by herself. I know that sounds pretty bad. Consider, when she gets up, I have to get up. When she goes to the bathroom, I go with her. Unless she takes a nap in the afternoon, I surely can't. If she chooses to go outside, I have to go with her. She will eat sometimes but I always have to help her at some point. I think she forgets what she is doing. Where I go, she has to go, very little privacy except when she goes to bed. I now brush her teeth and she struggles with spitting and rinsing her mouth. She is losing control of those muscles. She wonders around the house doing nothing most of the time, but she will stand and stare at me and what I am doing, no questions, just staring. She can't get herself a drink and the light switch is not to be found. It must be her eyes.
Today we had an elder and one of our Church's ministers out for lunch and that has become something that we three look forward to. Jan is pretty much oblivious to what is going on, but today she jumped in with a sentence or two and surprised everyone. Also, she remembers the name of one of our friends that no one else can remember, his first name is Aubrey, everybody else calls him Buddy.

Jan and her Mom

We made the trip to Lawton on Wednesday to see Jan's mom. We got up early and got on the road at 6:40a.m. and that is pretty early for us. Jan was up at 5:30 standing in the door and I just told her what time it was and told her to got back to bed till 7:00a.m.. I was awake so I just got up and we got after it.
Her mom, we call her mimi. She is in pretty good shape for being 81 and she has some medical problems, but hey, she is 81. Well guess what? Grandmother was 102 when she left this world. Mimi's husband is 82 and he's not doing too bad either. We stayed through lunch and left just after 1pm. As we went back toward home we stopped at my brothers house and got to see him but not Marsha, his wife. My brother is retired but certainly stays active and I have to give him credit. Most guys his age, or his generation don't even know how to turn on a computer, but he is very active with technology.
Jan did real good on the trip. I put the seat back so that she could rest and she took full advantage of it. We really had a good trip, short, but good.

Which one is confused!

Certainly things are changing and I have to stop and ask who is having the problem, her or me. The need for caregivers to get away from it all will make itself evident with more stress and fewer patience. I have tried to miss some weeks with outside care, but you just can't do that as it makes things more compressed if you don't get away and do some things for yourself. Lesson learned!!!
I wish I had written this but I did not but it is touching.
Do not ask me to remember. Don't try to make me understand. Let me rest and know you are with me. Kiss my cheek and hold my hand. I'm confused beyond your concept. I am sad and sick and lost. All I know is that I need you to be with me at all cost. Do not lose your patience with me. Do not scold or curse or cry. I can't help the way I'm acting. Can't be different though I try. Just remember that I need you. That the best of me is gone. Please don't fail to stand beside me. Love me 'til my life is done.
We will be going to Lawton to see her Mom on Wednesday, so I will have some pictures to post at the end of the week.

Test Results

Very good news. Jan's follow-up mammogram was nothing to worry about and everything looks like it is suppose to, so we just go back to routine annual exam. Thank you Lord....
Some different things going on with her, but I will wait to see if they continue before I say anything.

Follow up Testing

Tomorrow we have to go back for a follow up mammogram. There were some calcium deposits on one side that he wanted to check out after 6 months. He was pretty sure due to the edges being smooth and not uneven. I pray that all things are okay with the follow-up. To say that she is nervous about this would be putting it mildly.

Puzzled

I know that is a strange title but I couldn't think of a better one for what happened. It was this past Saturday evening and things seemed to be pretty dim as far as Jan is concerned and I knew that and could tell. She had kind of a sullen attitude, edgy, couldn't communicate with language, but said plenty with her looks. I was not aware of what had caused this mood, but it got worse as we prepared for bed. As I was helping her she just kind of got stiff and backed away from me. I was helping her get dressed. I asked what we were doing and she said nothing(no words), just had a bad look on her face. Encouraging her didn't help and she wasn't dress yet. As a matter of fact she was only partially dressed. I had to just back off and wait for her. After several minutes, seemed like 30, she grabbed her bottoms and started trying to put them on. I helped her as best I could. She went to bed crying and later on that evening I opened the door to her room and found her just standing in the middle of the room. I of course asked what we were doing, no response I could understand but still mad about something. I got her to go back to bed and I went to bed with her so that she could get to sleep. She did but that evening was a puzzle.

Thankful for Kay Hunt

If you have read this blog before you have heard me talk about the lady from church who assists me by staying and helping Jan while I take a little time for myself. I think it's been a least a year that she has been helping and we can't say enough good things about her. She has attend RHCC for approx. 20 years but we never knew each other. She has been a true blessing to Jan and I. Her sweet attitude has made it possible for Jan to feel comfortable with her and for me to trust her with Jan. And today we get to reveal who she is as she did allow me to take her picture and to use her name. Thank you Kay Hunt.

Very Happy Moment for the family

It seems like it is impossible for our first grandson to have graduated from high school. But yes it has happened and we are all very proud of him and the type of person he is becoming. He will continue his education at Abilene Christian University in the fall and we look forward to seeing what he accomplishes with his life. We pray that he will pursue his dreams with the same determination that he showed in high school both in sports and academics. I truly believe that ACU is a great place for a young person to make that journey from 18 to 22 years of age. We are all very proud of him.

He restores my soul

What struggle can be so bad that God can't get you through it? I see people who are dealing with cancer, but you wouldn't know it. I see our troops come home with artificial limbs and think about the sacrifice that they have made and the pain they must have felt. I also see many who have no anger or sadness, just glad to have what they have and another day to enjoy it. Have you ever thought about the phrase, he restores my soul. I have. And at times when I feel like I'm gonna just lose my mind, I think about that phrase. He restores my soul. Is my soul renewed due to the people lifting Jan and I up to the lord, or does the indwelling of the Holy Spirit refresh my mind and soul because I asked? Either way, it works. A life without pain is not promised. A life without struggle is not promised. A helper to get us through the moment is promised if we just recognize him.
Isaish 41 So don't worry, because I am with you. Don't be afraid, because I am your God. I will make you strong and will help you; I will support you with my right hand that saves you.

No Last Name

So thankful for all the cards, emails and notes on my birthday. Somehow many people remembered and made the day a good one. I gotta stop having those things though as I am sure I have made a mistake in counting the years somehow. I can't be this old. It happens doesn't it.
It seems as though some things stay the same while other things keep changing. The routine that Jan and I have worked out seems to help her function successfully most of the time and enables me to cope with all the situations. I do miss the communication from her and I am finding out how good she really was at keeping things going with kids and house and stuff. It seems like meal time comes up at least every hour, or it seems that way, and how can that many clothes be dirty from two people? She did it without complaining and I never knew how much she did. She was good and she put up with me.
Today we were brushing her teeth and I asked her what my name was. She paused for a minute and then out came a quiet answer....Don. I praised her and then I asked what my last name was. She laughed and tried to evade the question, she didn't know my last name. With such things you can't make anything of it, you just go on to the next thing on the list. But she didn't know it. I tried not to think too much about that as I try each day to make the best for her that I can. If I even get negative with my attitude or tone, she picks that up real fast, so none of that.

What I miss the most.

I had 8 hours to myself today. Our helper from the church was with Jan and from all indications it was a good day for her. I'm always glad when she can have a good day. When I got home we sat and tried to talk about the days events. Well I talked and asked questions and she tried to communicate but couldn't. She generally goes to bed about 8:30-9:00. I started thinking about how I miss the communication between she and I. I really do miss that. It's been along time. Any guys reading this need to know that your gonna miss that talk someday if this happens to your mate. Time goes by so slowly at times, and yet the weeks seem to be flying by. How long will it continue? This is certainly not living as we know it. As one friend told me, there are some things worse than death. I think I know what he is talking about.
Yesterday, we tried to take the dogs for a walk. I gave the small one to Jan and told her just to hold the leash and don't turn him loose. We got down the street a ways and wouldn't you know it, she just turns the dog loose and I have to start trying to catch her dog and hold on to the one I have. I'm sure if you could have been watching it looked crazy. I wound up carry her dog and holding the leash for the dog I had and we headed back home. She just forgot she was suppose to hold on to the leash, so she let it go. We won't do that anymore.

Last Good Day

It goes without saying that life is no fun for caregivers either. That may sound selfish, but this disease disrupts both lives. Like many of you Jan and I often talked about where we wanted to travel when we retired. Fortunately, we did get to go to New York and Niagara Falls in about 2002 and that was a very special trip. This past mothers day it occurred to me that this could be the last mothers day she will remember and I still feel that way. But each day the thought comes to me that this could be the best last day ever for her. With that thought in mind I am so thankful that the lord has trained me to enjoy service to others. I loved coaching, but I loved the restaurant business and ACU was the best. In all of those jobs God was preparing me to have a heart of service. Each day when I begin to feel down I just think about how this might be Jan's last best day, and I want to make it special. Believe it or not, this job needs patients and believe it or not I think the lord has blessed me with patients. Think about that for a moment. What if you knew that this could be your last best day and that everything after this is gonna be worse That is exactly where Jan is. She has no control over the future. I pray that I will always have the strength to give her the best possible day that can be given. this is what the marriage oaths are all about. In sickness and in health. She certainly filled my life with Joy, love and laughter. Thank you lord.......

Just over 5 years

I thank God for people who have a sense of humor. Jan has always had a great sense of humor and the good news is that on most days I can still find it. Even when she can't communicate what she wants to say and even when things are very difficult for her, we still have a sense of humor. Without it I don't know how I could get through the day. Sometimes it's comments about the dogs, or something on TV, we still seem to find ways to laugh. We just passed our 5 years with her phychologist and that's hard to believe. As you should know once it's diagnosed your usually in the later stages. Upon her diagnosis and per her mental testing 5 years ago, she was in trouble. Hard to believe it's been 5 years.
Each day signs of problems with her eyes become evident. Hallucinations are a possibility too. The ability for me to leave the room or to go outside is becoming more complicated. She loses me when I am in the next room. Hard to believe that, but it's true. It was just a few months ago that I could go get groceries and she could handle being alone for a short time, but not now.
This is Max and he is Jan's dog. He helps her more than he will ever know. He knows that there is something wrong and that she needs a little extra help. Sweet dog.

Another bad sign- scary!!!

Previously Jan has not been receptive to any questioning from me. Questions like, who is that, what is her name, would make her mad. I too have been reluctant to even ask the questions because even though I knew where this disease was going, somehow I was just hoping she wouldn't get to that point. Lately, I have been suspicious of the progression of her disease so I attempted to start a line of questioning and sure enough, the results were very hard to take. While combing her hair this morning I just came out and asked what her middle name was, and she said Owensby. I was surprised that she had that as an answer because that was her maiden name and I had not mentioned it. I told her no, that was your last name what is your middle name? She couldn't answer so I told her what it was. It is Lynn. I continued to help her and while putting her shoes on her I asked her what Kami's middle name was and she laughed it off and could not answer. I told her it was Renee. I asked her to tell me the names of Craigs boys. No answer, just laughing, but she didn't know. My fears are accurate, she is losing some very basic info that she should know. When will it be me that she forgets? I'm afraid not long. The looks out of her eyes sometimes indicate that she may be completely lost at times as to where she is and who she is with.

Mothers Day Pictures

Jan had a good mothers day and we had some good pictures of the kids and grandchildren. They grow up fast. It's hard to believe our oldest grandson, Connor, is graduating and will be attending Abilene Christian University in the fall. We are proud of him for the young man he has become and we look forward to what he he will do at the next level. He finished up his high school sports season by placing third in the shot put and his team won the state championship track title. He placed third, however he hurt his back the week of the meet or he may have placed higher.

Maybe it was the new baby

This past week has been very hard. We could not keep Jan out of the weepy sessions that she kept having. I am going to discuss these with the Doctor if they continue. She would cry and couldn't say what was wrong. She didn't appear to be in pain or hurting, just really angry. Angry enough to cry and cry. We spent some time over at Kami's and she got to see it and it really is hard to understand. I feel like I have talked about this before but some of her anguish seemed to be against anyone around her. When this happens I fall back to look at the stages of dementia to see if I'm just seeing symptoms. It does appear that she is either in severe dementia, or very severe dementia per the description. Now about that new baby I mentioned in the title. As you can see from the picture we have a new baby in the neighborhood. Jan has been real excited to be able to go look at our new neighbor. He is so cute. Also, this week has been a much better week. I got a call tonight from a friend and he let us know that he had been praying for Jan and I all week and that we were on his mind and he wanted to call. Then another very dear friend followed up to tell me that they are still out there and they are still keeping Jan in their prayers. Now I know why this week has been better.

What the disease does

Jan spent some time over at Kami's today. She was in a good mood or so it seemed, but after about two hours she started getting into this weepy, almost angry mood. After we came home I hoped that she would take a nap, but upon suggestion, she became angry. How can I tell? Believe me, anyone could tell by the way she looked at me. We sat and watched American Idol as we have in the weeks past and went to bed about 9. She seemed fine but after tucking her into bed I noticed she had tears so I asked what the tears were for. She can't communicate so she doesn't try. I asked more questions about her hurting, did I say something wrong, what happened. She was unable to speak which I know leads to frustration on her part. After a few minutes I determined that I wasn't going to resolve the tears and maybe it would just be best to leave the room and let her get to sleep. That's really hard to do, but most of the time trying to question or reason with her only aggravates the situation.

Severe problems with talking

Sorry about not blogging consistently. Some days a topic or situation comes up that I feel like passing on and sometimes nothing comes up.
I went to a small reunion of football players from Wichita Falls on Saturday and Jan stayed with Kami and she has always enjoyed being with her. This day seemed different. She was very nervous about things, even crying. Sometimes when I deal with this on a day to day basis, I forget to take what is happening and go look at the different stages of Alzheimer's to see if it is a symptom. In the later stages of this disease it goes to severe decline and then very severe decline. In those stages these are some of the symptoms: suspicion, trouble talking, motor skills declining, needing assistance with hygiene, dressing, etc. Jan experiences all of these symptoms and it requires learning to deal with each. The suspicion one is hard to notice, but it is present when I am in the next room or on the phone with someone. She seems to be curious about what I am doing, as though it's something I shouldn't be doing. She has had the problems with speech for quite some time, but it is getting worse. When taking her pills now and we use Ginger-Ale. This has really helped her for some reason. I think it's the high carbonation. I will post a picture from this last week and she looks good in this picture. Thanks for your prayers and encouragement.

Blessing to our door

Today was a good day from many perspectives. We were treated to a visit from one of our elders and one of our ministers, and they brought lunch. Yea,,,,,,,we had a great visit and very good food. Jan was very quiet and didn't try to speak much. She did repeat out loud some of the words she hears from people and that is part of the disease. She will stand right beside me and repeat about every 4th word that I'm saying and I don't think she knows she is doing it. Today she repeated words from our visitors and that may be a first.
We shared a good meal and exchanged some great verses and stories about how the Holy Spirit is working in our lives. We all cried a little, laughed a lot and enjoyed each others company. This is always a great lift for me especially. Jan seems to be aware of the company but unaware of the back and forth conversations. How do people do it when they don't have a church?
Many of you have heard me talk about my coaches. This past week the oldest(86) of them passed. He was my Tech coach, mentor, and friend. I will miss him. His name was John Conley.
Thanks to all for your prayers and comments.

It happens by degrees

I don't know how it is with others who have dementia, so I can only tell you what I see happening with My Jan. Something new seems to happen daily. With Jan she still knows people and most of their names, but she is losing the things she has learned, so that is what I speak to when blogging. If I repeat myself please forgive me. Posting everyday is certainly a challenge. Here is a list of the things that Jan is forgetting: Jan struggles to talk, she needs assistance dressing, bathing, makeup, combing her hair, putting pants on, taking pants off, buttoning clothes, opening a door, seat belts, driving, swallowing pills, using fork, knife, and spoon, opening doors, folding clothes, cleaning, following directions of any kind, writing, dialing, opening a drawer, turning lights on/off, turning any kind of fixture on, pouring herself a drink, remembering when she needs to go, or making any kind of decision. That's probably a short list, but it gives you some idea of how limited her condition has become.
Thanks for you comments, I appreciate knowing who is looking at the blog. I am open to suggestions about how to blog if you have any. I am working to try and add a video of Jan very soon. This picture is about 3-4 years old.

Not even two good hours.

She got up real early today. And when she gets up everybody else naturally has to get up, not a problem. She had a good nights sleep, but nothing seemed to help her today. Tears were frequent and she couldn't say why. I felt so sorry for her. Because she can't talk it's sometimes real hard to figure out what has got her into a downer, and sometimes(most)you can't figure it out. She seemed very weary all day. Maybe it was the rain.

Really losing touch

As I have been saying, the window is closing and there seems to be more and more evidence each day. The medication does not seem to be allowing her have much of a quality of life. Today, we got out of the house about noon, heading to Sam's Club to pick up a few things. I was planning to have lunch at one of our usual places. Taco Bueno, Chic-Filet, but today we chose to go to What-a-burger. They were very busy, but we got our order and sat down as usual. I always ask her what she wants and suggest the chicken strips, but today she chose a hamburger with cheese. I cut the burger in half and I wasn't sure how she was going to take it but, I have to help her. She cannot hold all or even half of the hamburger. First of all it takes two hands and she cannot use her left hand. I fed the entire hamburger to her. She usually tries to do it herself when it gets smaller, but today she wanted me to feed it to her and she had no concerns. Same can be said for dinner, she would barely try to eat her food but would allow me to feed her with no problem. This represents a big change as far as I am concerned. Also, tonight as we were taking her pills, I asked her to turn on the kitchen light, she had no idea where the switch was located.

You can forget the little things

Jan was with me as I was planting some flowers in the front today. In these situations she will say that she will help and I usually give her something to carry if it's small, but today we were nearly through and so I asked her if she wanted to go get the mail. At our place there is not much traffic and I could watch her closely. I really thought she could do it. Here is what happened........
The mail box is at the start of the driveway right? She started away from the house and toward the fence and turned around as if she were already lost, and she was lost. She did not know how to find the mail box, so I started toward her giving her some additional directions and pointing toward the driveway and the mail box. None of this helped so in these cases I know she is totally lost in her own front yard, so not to make her mad or embarrass her I kinda lead her to the mail box and Opened it and gave it to her the mail to carry. She was okay with that, but just another example of that window closing.

Jans Parents

This past week I was out doing some mowing and out of the blue sky, I started thinking about Lewis(Doodle) and Faye and the amount of trust that they had with Jan and I when we were first engaged. Doodle passed back in the 80's If I remember correctly. What I started thinking about was how trusting they were when we were engaged. This is news for everyone except Faye, because no one knows it except Jan and I. It was September 1966 and we had been engaged for my entire freshmen year and her senior year in high school. Doodle and Faye brought her to Lubbock to look for a job. She found a job and she moved to town and stayed in a small room close to campus and worked at one of the banks in town. I was busy playing football and she would take my car and go back and forth to work and I would go to school. She started living in Lubbock in September and we didn't get married until November after the season ended. I never thought about it much but they really had a lot of confidence in us to let us be together for 3 months prior to getting married and having them in another town(Wichita Falls). On this afternoon I could not stop thinking about Doodle.Doodle and Faye always expressed confidence in Jan and I. That afternoon that same feeling came over me. I know it was Doodle talking to me saying that he still had that confidence in me to do what was right and take care of his daughter. He and Faye both had that confidence. God certainly placed them on my heart. It was a great feeling to have these thoughts. It further defines my reason for being and strengthens my purpose.

Cute, Cuter, Cutiest

And here is the youngest King. His name is Cooper Don King. I like that name for some reason, not sure what it is. Cooper is 3.5 years old and is rapidly learning from his older brothers. He may be the biggest talker of the three. As you can see by their pictures, all handsome boys. Nonnie and I are sure that the story will not just be told by the older boys, this one will have some imput. See how well he sat for this picture and this is with children running all over the place..Good Job. We love all the boys very much and these pictures are worth a million....Have a great day to anyone reading this....

Coleman Thomas King

Didn't want to leave out the other little kings. This is Coleman Thomas King and he is the middle boy for Craig and Carrie King. He is in the 1st grade, is making all A's, likes his teacher very much, even though it took him about 4 weeks before he ever spoke to her. Coleman is playing baseball and is fast and knows what to do with the ball. For someone his size he is quick and loves to play. Of course, he is a little king. Nonnie and I are very proud of all the boys. Coleman is warm and friendly, gives his nonnie hugs and to his grandad also. The boys have always been good about hugs and kisses. From the time they are young Craig and Carrie have always asked their children to greet us and say goodbye. Now they do it because they know it is the right thing to do, we sure love it.
Yesterday, Nonnie got her monthly hair cut. We are fortunate to have a young woman who has cut it for years and she is still willing to do it and at the same time she cares for Jan. We praise God for her and her spirit.This has been a fairly good week so far not a real down day yet, yea. Praise God!!!

The Only Granddaughter

Getting Hannah to sit down for a picture is hard to do,but we did it this past Sunday. Hannah is a 7th Grader at Liberty Christian in Argyle, TX. She just turned the big one three or 13, with emphasis on the teen! Good girl,has been working out, running track, lifting weights, playing volleyball, watching the boys, watching the boys, and she doesn't like the fact that I shoot rabbits at my house every once in a while. Very busy girl, very busy. We are excited to watch the things that Hannah will do. She will make a certain contribution for sure to things that she is involved with and we are anxiously watching. We love her and yes she is our only princess.

Easter Sunday with Clayton King

Nonnie sitting outside with Clayton King. Clayton is the oldest of Craig's children(10). he is a good student, plays baseball, and is a good big brother. He also was riding the 4wheeler all by himself on Sunday. He is getting too big too fast. This picture was taken Sunday. The main picture on this blog was taken in 2006.

Easter Weekend

I was really hoping we could have made church, we didn't, but we did watch it online.Kami was a trooper and had the whole family out to her place, lots of people, lots of food and it was good to see them all. Lunch was at 12:30 and they started hiding the easter eggs about 2:00. There was lots of activity and even though it looks like she is doing fine all the conversations and activity of all the children took it's toll on Jan. For no known reason she became very emotional, started crying and wanted to go home. It was very hard for her to tell us what was happening. I got her home, took off her shoes, got a cold towel for her face and tried to get her to lay back and just relax, it was hard for her. Finally about 3 she agreed to go lay down and rest for a while. It turned into a two hour nap. I think all the activity and conversations that were going on around her began to bother her. Kids running around,some loud just took it out of her. So we made it for about 1:30 hours.There is no understanding how this stuff works. Using logic on someone sounds good, but they don't understand logic. All this took place on Saturday, and Sunday we didn't do much.

your comments

I'm real new at all of this but if you will look at the end of each post you will see the word comment. all you have to do is click on the word and a comment box will open for you. I know nothing about signing in or anything like that. I will try to include more pictures.

Birthday Thoughts

I guess I could have left the simple "Thank you's" alone, but something happened to me today so I thought I would share it. In a movie I went to see, the phrase, "her destiny is certain" just popped off the screen to me and I thought about my precious Jan. You and I know that we have a chance for longer life. No, we are not certain, but our chances are good I think. But for Jan her destiny is certain unless they come up with some new medicine. For our friends who sent cards, called or came to see her I am fairly confident that this will be the last birthday in which she will know who called or sent a card. I really didn't get her a gift, except roses and a card, but my card really captured the moment. I thought god helped me find the perfect card and as I read it to her she thought it was the perfect card as well.

Part of the card : In a way, I feel guilty...I mean, here it is your birthday, and yet I'm the one who gets to enjoy the gift.....the gift of you and your love. Thank you !!!!
If you just leave a comment in the comment section I will read it to Jan.

Her Birthday

Kami called and wanted to take her shopping and when I told her she got excited. She sat waiting for the back door to open. She was pretty pumped to say the least. I did inform Kami that this would be harder than it was last time and I think she understood. Kami is the only other person that I will let her be with besides me. They went shopping and took in a movie. When they returned home one of her best friends was here waiting for her. She had brought flowers and a card and just coming by was a blessing to both of us. Then her friend left and then Kami left and I guess all the emotions was just trapped inside her so, the rivers started to flow. I took her shoes off, got a cold towel for her face, put her feet up , but she just had to let some of it out. Oh I forgot we had her mother call and one of our friends from Abilene called and I had a great visit with them both. Carrie called after she had picked up the boys and on speaker phone they wished her happy birthday, that was really cute and those voices were precious. After dinner we opened all of her birthday cards and we had tears again, but tears are pretty common these days. Thanks to all of you who helped make it special. We love you all.......

Roaming the House?

I'm not sure why we had such a sad morning, but we did. After helping get her into her bath, I returned to help her and I found tears. Most of the time I try to just keep going and not get into it, if I can, and at times she will forget why she was sad. It really is a heartbreak time for me to ever see her cry, but if I breakdown the crying party gets alot worse. After we finished the bath, she was still crying so I asked what has got her down. Her answer surprised me more than anything that has happened in a while. She said, after several tries, I don't want you to put me in some kind of home. This is what she said and it shocked me but here is what happened earlier in the morning.
At about 3:00 a.m. I woke up and went to turn off the fan over her bed. I did not notice that she was not in her bed....big mistake on my part. I returned to my room, right next to hers and as I sat down I looked up and there she was returning to her room. I think she had gotten up and was just sitting in her chair, but I'm not sure. I helped her get back into bed and returned to bed. In the early morning I asked her if she remembered being up early this morning. She didn't remember the incident. That bothered me, but I didn't let her know it. Evidently she thought about it and when I found her in the tub she had been thinking about it and got worried that I would put her in some kind of home. I of course assured her that we were a long way from anything like that, but I really couldn't believe she even said what she said....

The Sun is Shinning and today was good!!!!

Today was 80 degrees, sun was shining, we made a run to pick up some meals and Jan has had a terrific day. Our only granddaughter had a birthday yesterday and we got a sweet text from her today. I did three loads of clothes, folded and put away all of them. It was a good day, I'll take it...God bless to all friends who keep up with this blog.

Excellent Helpers

For caregivers the stress can become great. For me the one thing that bothers me the most is meal time. I feel the need to provide good meals with a variety. I have gotten pretty good at Spaghetti and chicken spaghetti or chicken on the grill. My first meat loaf was a bust and so was the roast. I know,,,,,how can you mess up a roast, well I can. Thank goodness for prepared meals that you can buy, they help alot.

There is no doubt that helpers who can stay with Jan and allow me to get away are important. We have been so lucky to have found a lady from our church who has worked out just great. She has a special nature about her that makes her perfect. She is willing to provide the care and security that I need and that Jan needs. Jan is very comfortable being with her for 8 hours at a time. This also provides me the opportunity to get away from the grind. I usually get a paper, coffee, check out the movies, Sams, walk around Best Buy. It is difficult to find things to do for 8 hours and I'll be glad when it gets warmer then I might try taking up golf again.

The Good with the Bad

Each week or two something new seems to appear as another sign that we are losing the battle. One that has occurred most recently has been anger. Due to this disease she will at times display quick and harsh anger. It is obviously not the Jan that I have been married to for 43 years. It is not a pleasant thing to witness or be around.

As bad as all of this has become the blessing become obvious. One of the things that we still have is the ability to laugh. We find fun where we can find it. It may be a commercial or it may be something to do with our dogs, but we can still laugh and it really is a relief to still have this enjoyment. Also, we have been blessed to have some of Gods angels cross our path during this walk. A couple of weeks ago, I was signing Jan up for Social Security and you would not have believed the service that I recieved while getting this done. There were two different ladies that helped me and I cannot tell you how impressed I was with the kindness and quality of service that I received and I'm not the easiest person to please but these two women were just fantastic. We have also been very blessed to have had two ministers from our church over for lunch on two occasions. Their witnessing to both Jan and I has been a blessing to our lives. They have lifted our spirits and reminded us that we are not alone.

Daily Struggles

We have developed a steady routine which helps keep emotions and struggles in better check. Early on Jan would go to bed at night and one the of signs that was obvious was that the struggles were just causing her to become weary. That was early in the struggles when she would still try to perform some things around the house. The only way that I saw to help was to take those things as my duties and lessen the burden on her. Just getting through the day is a struggle for her and the window for that day seems to be closing. The good time is getting shorter and shorter. She has lost the ability or struggles with all of the activities for daily living. Most of the time she is like a small child, but the child can't learn. The most difficult problem she has however is speaking. She has virtually lost the ability to speak. Sometimes words come out and there are times when she can get a short sentence out that is right, but most of the time you have to try to figure out what she is saying. An associated problem is her yes or no is not definite. She may say yes, but mean no.

Another symptom of her disease is repeating the words she hears. You might be in a conversation with someone and she might stand right beside you and repeat some of the words she is hearing and it's the disease talking and I don't think she even knows she is doing it.
Everyday there seems to be more challenges: taking off her jacket, getting into the car, getting out of the car, brushing her teeth. Just think about what you have learned and think about forgetting how to do that. That's her world. Please prayer for her.

How it started

Just getting started on this blogging stuff but I felt like it might be a good way for the friends of ours to keep up with how Jan is doing . If your looking at this blog you know that for several years Jan has been dealing with Alzeheimers. On May 5, 2005 we started seeing a neurologist because Jan was having problems that we hadn't seen before. Problems like writing checks, driving and dressing. Her particular disease is affecting the front temporal area which is the administrative area. Things that she has learned, she is forgetting. Names of people, friends and family she still knows. Some of these problems were present five years ago and of course the condition is progressive and the situation is much more severe now. As with most forms of dementia, diagnosis occurs in the later stages. I diagnose her condition as Picks Disease. The doctors will not try to nail it down, but her symptoms certainly reflect "Picks" disease. At this time Jan seems to be a very healthy. My promise to her was that she would be with me long after she wouldn't know she was with me. I do have to recognize that a time will come when I can't take as good of care for her as alternatives.