Follow up Testing

Tomorrow we have to go back for a follow up mammogram. There were some calcium deposits on one side that he wanted to check out after 6 months. He was pretty sure due to the edges being smooth and not uneven. I pray that all things are okay with the follow-up. To say that she is nervous about this would be putting it mildly.

Puzzled

I know that is a strange title but I couldn't think of a better one for what happened. It was this past Saturday evening and things seemed to be pretty dim as far as Jan is concerned and I knew that and could tell. She had kind of a sullen attitude, edgy, couldn't communicate with language, but said plenty with her looks. I was not aware of what had caused this mood, but it got worse as we prepared for bed. As I was helping her she just kind of got stiff and backed away from me. I was helping her get dressed. I asked what we were doing and she said nothing(no words), just had a bad look on her face. Encouraging her didn't help and she wasn't dress yet. As a matter of fact she was only partially dressed. I had to just back off and wait for her. After several minutes, seemed like 30, she grabbed her bottoms and started trying to put them on. I helped her as best I could. She went to bed crying and later on that evening I opened the door to her room and found her just standing in the middle of the room. I of course asked what we were doing, no response I could understand but still mad about something. I got her to go back to bed and I went to bed with her so that she could get to sleep. She did but that evening was a puzzle.

Thankful for Kay Hunt

If you have read this blog before you have heard me talk about the lady from church who assists me by staying and helping Jan while I take a little time for myself. I think it's been a least a year that she has been helping and we can't say enough good things about her. She has attend RHCC for approx. 20 years but we never knew each other. She has been a true blessing to Jan and I. Her sweet attitude has made it possible for Jan to feel comfortable with her and for me to trust her with Jan. And today we get to reveal who she is as she did allow me to take her picture and to use her name. Thank you Kay Hunt.

Very Happy Moment for the family

It seems like it is impossible for our first grandson to have graduated from high school. But yes it has happened and we are all very proud of him and the type of person he is becoming. He will continue his education at Abilene Christian University in the fall and we look forward to seeing what he accomplishes with his life. We pray that he will pursue his dreams with the same determination that he showed in high school both in sports and academics. I truly believe that ACU is a great place for a young person to make that journey from 18 to 22 years of age. We are all very proud of him.

He restores my soul

What struggle can be so bad that God can't get you through it? I see people who are dealing with cancer, but you wouldn't know it. I see our troops come home with artificial limbs and think about the sacrifice that they have made and the pain they must have felt. I also see many who have no anger or sadness, just glad to have what they have and another day to enjoy it. Have you ever thought about the phrase, he restores my soul. I have. And at times when I feel like I'm gonna just lose my mind, I think about that phrase. He restores my soul. Is my soul renewed due to the people lifting Jan and I up to the lord, or does the indwelling of the Holy Spirit refresh my mind and soul because I asked? Either way, it works. A life without pain is not promised. A life without struggle is not promised. A helper to get us through the moment is promised if we just recognize him.
Isaish 41 So don't worry, because I am with you. Don't be afraid, because I am your God. I will make you strong and will help you; I will support you with my right hand that saves you.

No Last Name

So thankful for all the cards, emails and notes on my birthday. Somehow many people remembered and made the day a good one. I gotta stop having those things though as I am sure I have made a mistake in counting the years somehow. I can't be this old. It happens doesn't it.
It seems as though some things stay the same while other things keep changing. The routine that Jan and I have worked out seems to help her function successfully most of the time and enables me to cope with all the situations. I do miss the communication from her and I am finding out how good she really was at keeping things going with kids and house and stuff. It seems like meal time comes up at least every hour, or it seems that way, and how can that many clothes be dirty from two people? She did it without complaining and I never knew how much she did. She was good and she put up with me.
Today we were brushing her teeth and I asked her what my name was. She paused for a minute and then out came a quiet answer....Don. I praised her and then I asked what my last name was. She laughed and tried to evade the question, she didn't know my last name. With such things you can't make anything of it, you just go on to the next thing on the list. But she didn't know it. I tried not to think too much about that as I try each day to make the best for her that I can. If I even get negative with my attitude or tone, she picks that up real fast, so none of that.

What I miss the most.

I had 8 hours to myself today. Our helper from the church was with Jan and from all indications it was a good day for her. I'm always glad when she can have a good day. When I got home we sat and tried to talk about the days events. Well I talked and asked questions and she tried to communicate but couldn't. She generally goes to bed about 8:30-9:00. I started thinking about how I miss the communication between she and I. I really do miss that. It's been along time. Any guys reading this need to know that your gonna miss that talk someday if this happens to your mate. Time goes by so slowly at times, and yet the weeks seem to be flying by. How long will it continue? This is certainly not living as we know it. As one friend told me, there are some things worse than death. I think I know what he is talking about.
Yesterday, we tried to take the dogs for a walk. I gave the small one to Jan and told her just to hold the leash and don't turn him loose. We got down the street a ways and wouldn't you know it, she just turns the dog loose and I have to start trying to catch her dog and hold on to the one I have. I'm sure if you could have been watching it looked crazy. I wound up carry her dog and holding the leash for the dog I had and we headed back home. She just forgot she was suppose to hold on to the leash, so she let it go. We won't do that anymore.

Last Good Day

It goes without saying that life is no fun for caregivers either. That may sound selfish, but this disease disrupts both lives. Like many of you Jan and I often talked about where we wanted to travel when we retired. Fortunately, we did get to go to New York and Niagara Falls in about 2002 and that was a very special trip. This past mothers day it occurred to me that this could be the last mothers day she will remember and I still feel that way. But each day the thought comes to me that this could be the best last day ever for her. With that thought in mind I am so thankful that the lord has trained me to enjoy service to others. I loved coaching, but I loved the restaurant business and ACU was the best. In all of those jobs God was preparing me to have a heart of service. Each day when I begin to feel down I just think about how this might be Jan's last best day, and I want to make it special. Believe it or not, this job needs patients and believe it or not I think the lord has blessed me with patients. Think about that for a moment. What if you knew that this could be your last best day and that everything after this is gonna be worse That is exactly where Jan is. She has no control over the future. I pray that I will always have the strength to give her the best possible day that can be given. this is what the marriage oaths are all about. In sickness and in health. She certainly filled my life with Joy, love and laughter. Thank you lord.......

Just over 5 years

I thank God for people who have a sense of humor. Jan has always had a great sense of humor and the good news is that on most days I can still find it. Even when she can't communicate what she wants to say and even when things are very difficult for her, we still have a sense of humor. Without it I don't know how I could get through the day. Sometimes it's comments about the dogs, or something on TV, we still seem to find ways to laugh. We just passed our 5 years with her phychologist and that's hard to believe. As you should know once it's diagnosed your usually in the later stages. Upon her diagnosis and per her mental testing 5 years ago, she was in trouble. Hard to believe it's been 5 years.
Each day signs of problems with her eyes become evident. Hallucinations are a possibility too. The ability for me to leave the room or to go outside is becoming more complicated. She loses me when I am in the next room. Hard to believe that, but it's true. It was just a few months ago that I could go get groceries and she could handle being alone for a short time, but not now.
This is Max and he is Jan's dog. He helps her more than he will ever know. He knows that there is something wrong and that she needs a little extra help. Sweet dog.

Another bad sign- scary!!!

Previously Jan has not been receptive to any questioning from me. Questions like, who is that, what is her name, would make her mad. I too have been reluctant to even ask the questions because even though I knew where this disease was going, somehow I was just hoping she wouldn't get to that point. Lately, I have been suspicious of the progression of her disease so I attempted to start a line of questioning and sure enough, the results were very hard to take. While combing her hair this morning I just came out and asked what her middle name was, and she said Owensby. I was surprised that she had that as an answer because that was her maiden name and I had not mentioned it. I told her no, that was your last name what is your middle name? She couldn't answer so I told her what it was. It is Lynn. I continued to help her and while putting her shoes on her I asked her what Kami's middle name was and she laughed it off and could not answer. I told her it was Renee. I asked her to tell me the names of Craigs boys. No answer, just laughing, but she didn't know. My fears are accurate, she is losing some very basic info that she should know. When will it be me that she forgets? I'm afraid not long. The looks out of her eyes sometimes indicate that she may be completely lost at times as to where she is and who she is with.

Mothers Day Pictures

Jan had a good mothers day and we had some good pictures of the kids and grandchildren. They grow up fast. It's hard to believe our oldest grandson, Connor, is graduating and will be attending Abilene Christian University in the fall. We are proud of him for the young man he has become and we look forward to what he he will do at the next level. He finished up his high school sports season by placing third in the shot put and his team won the state championship track title. He placed third, however he hurt his back the week of the meet or he may have placed higher.

Maybe it was the new baby

This past week has been very hard. We could not keep Jan out of the weepy sessions that she kept having. I am going to discuss these with the Doctor if they continue. She would cry and couldn't say what was wrong. She didn't appear to be in pain or hurting, just really angry. Angry enough to cry and cry. We spent some time over at Kami's and she got to see it and it really is hard to understand. I feel like I have talked about this before but some of her anguish seemed to be against anyone around her. When this happens I fall back to look at the stages of dementia to see if I'm just seeing symptoms. It does appear that she is either in severe dementia, or very severe dementia per the description. Now about that new baby I mentioned in the title. As you can see from the picture we have a new baby in the neighborhood. Jan has been real excited to be able to go look at our new neighbor. He is so cute. Also, this week has been a much better week. I got a call tonight from a friend and he let us know that he had been praying for Jan and I all week and that we were on his mind and he wanted to call. Then another very dear friend followed up to tell me that they are still out there and they are still keeping Jan in their prayers. Now I know why this week has been better.