.Posting

Sorry for not being more consistent on posting. I guess the doubts have taken their toll on being able to do this consistently and to even try to do it at all. I think what I will do is try hard to post during the first week of each month. If we have a crisis or something like that I may do it more frequently. Right now I am out of words, so to speak.
If you did not read it earlier, I'm going to repeat it here. Not a poem, I guess you would call it prose. Either way, it strikes me dead center. Here it is.

Do not ask me to remember
Don't try to make me understand
Let me rest and know you're with me
Kiss my cheek and hold my hand
I'm confused beyond your concept
I am sad and sick and lost
All I know is that I need you
Do not lose your patients with me
Do not scold or curse or cry
I can't help the way I'm acting
Can't be different though I try
Just remember that I need you
That the best of me is gone
Please don't fail to stand beside me,
Love me 'til life is done.

Good Week for Jan

This past week we made the trip to Lawton, and had doctors appointments for Jan and she really had a pretty good week. It really hurts when you begin to see signs of things getting worse. Her case is different from all others I guess. She gets around pretty good, looks very normal sometimes. However I can't name one thing except drinking, swallowing and walking that she is able to do by herself. I know that sounds pretty bad. Consider, when she gets up, I have to get up. When she goes to the bathroom, I go with her. Unless she takes a nap in the afternoon, I surely can't. If she chooses to go outside, I have to go with her. She will eat sometimes but I always have to help her at some point. I think she forgets what she is doing. Where I go, she has to go, very little privacy except when she goes to bed. I now brush her teeth and she struggles with spitting and rinsing her mouth. She is losing control of those muscles. She wonders around the house doing nothing most of the time, but she will stand and stare at me and what I am doing, no questions, just staring. She can't get herself a drink and the light switch is not to be found. It must be her eyes.
Today we had an elder and one of our Church's ministers out for lunch and that has become something that we three look forward to. Jan is pretty much oblivious to what is going on, but today she jumped in with a sentence or two and surprised everyone. Also, she remembers the name of one of our friends that no one else can remember, his first name is Aubrey, everybody else calls him Buddy.

Jan and her Mom

We made the trip to Lawton on Wednesday to see Jan's mom. We got up early and got on the road at 6:40a.m. and that is pretty early for us. Jan was up at 5:30 standing in the door and I just told her what time it was and told her to got back to bed till 7:00a.m.. I was awake so I just got up and we got after it.
Her mom, we call her mimi. She is in pretty good shape for being 81 and she has some medical problems, but hey, she is 81. Well guess what? Grandmother was 102 when she left this world. Mimi's husband is 82 and he's not doing too bad either. We stayed through lunch and left just after 1pm. As we went back toward home we stopped at my brothers house and got to see him but not Marsha, his wife. My brother is retired but certainly stays active and I have to give him credit. Most guys his age, or his generation don't even know how to turn on a computer, but he is very active with technology.
Jan did real good on the trip. I put the seat back so that she could rest and she took full advantage of it. We really had a good trip, short, but good.

Which one is confused!

Certainly things are changing and I have to stop and ask who is having the problem, her or me. The need for caregivers to get away from it all will make itself evident with more stress and fewer patience. I have tried to miss some weeks with outside care, but you just can't do that as it makes things more compressed if you don't get away and do some things for yourself. Lesson learned!!!
I wish I had written this but I did not but it is touching.
Do not ask me to remember. Don't try to make me understand. Let me rest and know you are with me. Kiss my cheek and hold my hand. I'm confused beyond your concept. I am sad and sick and lost. All I know is that I need you to be with me at all cost. Do not lose your patience with me. Do not scold or curse or cry. I can't help the way I'm acting. Can't be different though I try. Just remember that I need you. That the best of me is gone. Please don't fail to stand beside me. Love me 'til my life is done.
We will be going to Lawton to see her Mom on Wednesday, so I will have some pictures to post at the end of the week.

Test Results

Very good news. Jan's follow-up mammogram was nothing to worry about and everything looks like it is suppose to, so we just go back to routine annual exam. Thank you Lord....
Some different things going on with her, but I will wait to see if they continue before I say anything.